Get ready everyone. Or should I say no one? I'm not sure, but considering how long I've been away and how small my readership was before I went, I may well be writing for no one. But I will write anyway.
I am gearing up. Tonight I've looked at my reading list for next semester, which gave me a small heart attack. $450 worth of books for 2 subjects. That's a bloody lot of money for a few mashed up trees.
I'm not sure I'm ready. Ready for study? Yes. Ready to put my bubba in childcare for the first time at a mere tiny weeny little 6 months? No. Ready for my little man to go from 1/2 a day in care to 4 1/2 days? No. I miss them already. I catch myself picturing leaving them and realise I'm squeezing the life out of them (literally, I have to loosen my hug).
These feelings don't surprise me anymore. Before Euey was born I thought I could birth him in mid June and return to study the next semester in August when he was 6 weeks old. When he was 6 weeks old I realised how stupid that thought was. He was TINY. TINY I tell you. There was no way I was leaving him - I didn't care who with, I didn't want to be away from him. When I left him at childcare for the first time at 6 1/2 months I did very well not to cry. I hated it. He was balling when I left and cried when I got there to pick him up (I guess the emotion of having Mummy back was just too much). Of course he grew to love it, but those first couple of months were really crap.
You see, having kids has confirmed something. I am first and foremost a Mum. I would love to stay at home with them 'til the last one went to school. I wouldn't be bored (all the time). I wouldn't get frustrated (okay, sometimes). i would love every minute of it (well, enough of those minutes to make it worthwhile). But it is not practical. I have to finish my degree before they decide I've taken too long and boot me out. I have to get into the workplace so we can stop being a one-income family. We have stuff we want to do. Holidays, new cars, buy a house. Important stuff. Compromise is a shitty thing I have decided. We did this kid thing now cause we wanted to. So I could have more time with the kids cause I was studying. It worked. I wouldn't take it back. I do have more time than if I was at work. But I it's still a compromise. I don't have every waking moment with my bubbas. And that SUCKS ARSE.
P.S. Get ready for some law-theme thoughts and wonderings as in a few short weeks they will be consuming my every brain cell.
